The Gift that Keeps on Giving

My title is pure sarcasm in case that wasn’t clear.  Day 3000 in lockdown and it’s bringing up a few things for me.  Presently, I feel tired.  Logically I have no reason to feel this level of tiredness…….then again, we’ve never had this situation before.  The adrenaline high kept me going for the first few weeks; it makes sense there was always going to be a crash of some type that would happen.  It’s arrived.  Nothing too dramatic, just a feeling of fatigue as though I’ve worked non stop for the week.  I resist the urge to nap though, worried that it might muck up my sleep routine for work.

What is fascinating me right now though is my desire to cook – cook desi (Pakistani) food.  Pre-lockdown, I passionately hated cooking.  I hate making the damn turka – the mind numbing boredom of watching these bloody onions brown, nipping away from them for two minutes only to find the whole thing burnt.  My dinners usually consisted of anything I could marinate and bung in the oven.

I want home food now and by home, I mean the motherland.  I’m whipping up desi deserts like they’ve been trapped in my unconscious all along.  I’m craving them – I don’t even recall a particular like for sweet rice, the most boring of Asian deserts in my opinion, but here I am.  Gajjar kheer – done.  A wee biryani – sorted.  My mother has never been more proud.

I suppose I’ve even found myself quite resourceful.  Instead of nipping to the shops to get basic ingredients, I wonder if I can just whip it up at home instead.  I’ve become that woman from Goodness Gracious Me!  Although, it’s the thought of standing in queues as well as biting my tongue at people coming to close, that drives me to be resourceful.

I have very little interest in writing though – something which I usually enjoy.  Instead preferring to dabble in DIY jobs (side note, I’ve barely done any DIY in my life) – plastering sections of my wall, filling the gaps under the skirting board, even attempting fixing my guttering.  I’m learning it’s never too late to youtube learn new skills.

The comfort most of us have been getting from food has been taken away with the arrival of Ramadan.  A blessing in more ways than one, I was most definitely going to have to be rolled out my house if I continued the way I did.  Although it’s a relief to have been forced to curb the snacking, it’s also a bit sad when that Mars bar in the fridge and a cup of tea was what brought me the most joy on a boring day!

I also feel hyper aware of the rise in domestic abuse cases – not so much my own experiences if that makes sense.  It’s that knot of guilt that I often carry for the next woman.  The news reports, Facebook posts all reminding me of a situation I know someone else is in and that, particularly now, plays on my mind.

Dreams have been occupying my sleep, not the most pleasant ones I’ll admit.  It’s as though my subconscious feels I’ve let things linger from my past.  Now, in the midst of a pandemic, zara* feels is the right time to address it.  Cheers – she always was an irritating cow.

Dreams seems to be quite common in this lockdown – care to share any of yours? 

Has lockdown brought up anything for you?


*Zara features a lot in the blogs, shes my subconscious – an irritating, sometimes narky but often quite insightful pain in the backside.

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