Fishing Online

I’m not one for online dating.  I would much rather be my wonderful self at a party, have a lovely man saunter upto me, be struck by my amazing personality and live a happily every after.  The modern world seems to have cut all that from nearly all cultures.  Speaking to single friends of all backgrounds, if it’s not Tinder then it’s Muzmatch, if it’s not Muzmatch then it’s JSwipe and if it’s not JSwipe then it’s Grindr.

A few years ago after being sent an article about this Tinder equivalent for Muslims, I forced a cousin and another friend to join.  Partly knowing they were already dabbling in the online world and partly because I also wanted them to be the guinea pigs.  It took me a while longer as I opted to try real life for a while, particularly as I was living overseas at the time.

Real life however taught me that in the country I was living in, most of the men married young.  If they were pursuing me then they were more often than not looking for a second wife (don’t get me started) or they were Egyptians who eventually wanted to settle back there (a country which despite my travelling spirit is a place I do not enjoy).

My first online swipe and match was Mr Shami.  Mr Shami’s profile was terrible.  To this day, it still baffles me as to why I swiped right – accidental perhaps or was his the only one written in English?  I don’t remember.  Anyway back to his profile, it wasn’t misogynistic nor perverted… was just…….a little weird.  “She must be clean on the inside as well as the outside”*.

Mr Shami sent me a message and asked if we could talk on the phone as he hated texting.  I replied in my head but in reality ignored him for around two weeks – not very mature.  But I was new to meeting men again and needed eased into this online matchmaking life.  His phonecall message was too fast for me.  He messaged again a couple weeks later and this time, forced by friends, I replied ⇒ to a phone call  ⇒ to eventual meets. He turned out to be nice (a motherload of issues but nice).

This is my qualm with profiles.  They can be truly awful like Mr S because some people just aren’t able to express themselves well on paper.  But in real life they can be perfectly pleasant people and not as weird as their profile makes them out to be.

Further Muzmatches have led to Mr Cockney (that’s my polite name for him).  Mr Haraam (nothing in life is allowed).  Clingfilm (he makes an appearance in the next blog post).  Beardy Mcweirdy (a beautiful beardful of oddity).  Casper (ghosted me for three months then reappeared out the blue with a 2am message, rude).

Whilst not ideal, I can appreciate online matching sites are another avenue for meeting people and at the end of the day, my thoughts are, why not?  However, and here come the peas (“mutter”-ings), lessons I learnt along the way:

Don’t judge too heavily based on the profile, a rubbish profile can make for a reasonable human being and vice versa


You’re not the only person they’re speaking to, best to assume a count of three (rubbish I know but there’s nothing to say you can’t do the same!)


Carry some cold water incase you need to hose them down when you meet





Next time: “Clingfilm”, the bloke to never bring home to your parents (not for the easily offended)…….

*I did ask Mr Shami about this line to which he appeared mortified, a lot of embarrassed laughter followed (him not me, I was enjoying this) before he asked to see my hands (what I assumed to be a joke but worryingly may not have been)



9 Replies to “Fishing Online”

  1. I’ve always got a straight face when reading blogs – Never moved by them, and most come off as cheesy. But this one was comedy gold lool. I’m aware it’s been a year since your post but I must say i’m invested – What’s happened since then?? I’ve been on the app nearly a year now and boy oh boy have my eyes been stretched wide open – No dick pics so I must be doing something right 😁🙅🏽‍♀️

    1. Nice to meet you F. Haha thanks for the msg. So to catch-up with the app shenanigans then you really need to read some of the other posts. There’s sub categories and most of the app ones fall under ‘dating’ I think! How has your app experience been xx

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  3. Tiff Griffin says: Reply

    I think you made some good points.The downside of online dating is that people might not be as they appear, but that’s just as true in life.What I liked about it was that you could get to know people through their words.I love words and I love hearing other people express themselves in their own words.I think this makes me glossosexual.I even made up my own word to describe this- palazabrazos.palabra- word/ abrazo- hug.Describing the feeling you get when conversation is so good it feels like someone is hugging you,
    Anyway, it’s good to remember that in a society that pressures us to judge solely on appearances, online dating puts a filter between that ,if we want to, which can only be a good thing.
    It also took me some time to realise that I was in the minority of guys that thought sending a d*ck pic wasn’t a classy move.At what point does anyone think, ”yeh I’ll send her a picture of the only part of my body that’s uglier than my elbow, she’ll be swept off her feet” ?
    You are also so right about the hose, wish I’d had that for my date that said she visited her sister on Jewish settlements in occupied territory and was appalled at how uncivilised the Palestinians were.Cheque please!

    1. Hi Tiff – interestingly I’ve often thought that the online world has put a huge focus on appearance based profiles. From my experience, I’m not sure how many read profiles as there appears to be mass swiping that goes on and if you connect then perhaps they’ll take a glance at what you’ve written. I will admit it is refreshing when somebody does actually start a convo based upon something interesting from my profile though although it appears to be few and far between. Ugh don’t get me started on dick pics, the next post brings this up! It must be some weird cheap thrill thing, how many women have ever be won over by an unsolicited dick pic…..?!

      And she definitely needed hosed down!!!

  4. The one who has a broom like no other says: Reply

    Why fish, when you can come and sit on my broom any day

    1. Is that the creepy equivalent of sitting on an old man’s knee?

  5. Pea – check with your friends who are on these dating apps to make sure none of you are the number two or number three he’s talking to because that gets awkward really fast

    1. What a pea!! I never had any friends who were on it or admitted to being on these things that I could check. I’m guessing there is a much awkward story behind your pea and why lie, I want to hear it. X

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