You’re too Fussy

I’m told I’m fussy……..mainly by people married in their 20s who have never had to navigate the relationship market.  Whilst it occasionally aggravates me, as though my age, ‘withering’ ovaries and divorced status mean I should accept anyone –  I have also started to embrace the word.  What others view as fussy is what I now interpret as value.

I have started to place value on myself that is more than being married or having children.  I’m fussy.  I’m not settling in a way that forces me to go back ten steps in life when it’s taken eight years of emotional and physical work to get to where I am now.  I’m fussy.

That’s not to say that I don’t want a partner.  I would like a relationship with the right person and like most singletons, I do get pangs of loneliness.  Whilst I’m sure someone is out there, for now I am happy living alone rather than succumbing to a pressure of living a life that I have no desire to live.  The right person would be a lovely addition to my life and not necessarily filling some need I have, if that makes sense.

I have only ever connected with one Muslim man after my divorce.  I was savvy enough to know something didn’t feel right – not savvy enough to be able to put my finger on it at the time.  I went with my trusted gut and ended it, amicably enough.  I’m much more self-aware now so I can pin point exactly where my discomfort was; he had a lot of struggles and I was constantly trying to fix them.  It was all too reminscent of a dynamic that’s existed in a lot of my male relationships.  I don’t think I’ve connected with another bloke Muslim bloke since then, despite meeting a few over the years.

I find it difficult to explain to my white counterparts the differences and frustrations that exist in our relationship worlds.  They’ve never had to navigate words like ‘homely’, ‘see my parents as yours’ or had that ‘living with my parents’ bomb dropped on them two meets in.  They will never understand the nuances that exist behind those phrases either.

So here’s a question for woke Muslim women out there.  Given the lack of woke Muslim men, what have been your experiences connecting with men outwith the faith?

 

 

 

8 Replies to “You’re too Fussy”

  1. I had a whirlwind romance with a dreamy Irish non-Muslim man when I was younger. Fell madly in love & we were set to get married but in the end, cultural differences got in the way. Since then, I made a point not to get into anything serious with non-Muslim men again because I literally couldn’t handle another heartbreak based on cultural differences.
    I’m now married to the best Asian guy ever but I’m also very aware that I got lucky which is why I snapped him up so quickly. Went through my fair share of very problematic ones to get to this stage.
    As much as dating a non-Muslim seems to have its benefits it’s really not something I’d recommend to any Muslim woman, I feel as tho the cultural differences are too heavy and they’ll always catch up to you at some stage if he doesn’t convert.

    1. So sorry anon but somehow I never got notified of your comment so missed it until now. I appreciate you taking your time out to write in and also share such an honest experience whilst providing some advice over it. I have definitely thought about it but like you say, have also come to the conclusion that for me, the differences that my faith would bring up and into any relationship like that would be too difficult. I’d also struggle with just converting for marriage in the long run as I think there would be a fear for me that he would eventually get fed up of all the ‘red tape’ as it hadn’t been something he chose as such xx

  2. After my divorce, I waited two years before I even considered dating. Like you, I was trying to work on myself, trying not to make the same mistakes again. I wanted to date men of my own background and tried, but just that feeling of a brown woman being worth so much less after a divorce. Plus, I had children and that’s pretty much the kiss of death. I knew that even if I met the rare man willing to accept them, his family never would. I actually met someone by chance several years ago, of another race, religion, and upbringing. Someone I would have normally never even considered, and he has been such a wonderful presence and support in our lives. That said, years in, I see myself falling into the same stereotypical role. Cooking, cleaning, helping him put his life together (and he helps me too), but there’s a big part of me that resists marriage now as I want this to be the life I choose every day, not the life I’m stuck in. I don’t feel the need to be dutiful wife in exchange for some kind of security I now know doesn’t exist (divorce kind of kills that fantasy). So long story short, yes people judge me for not rushing to marry a decent man, I guess I’m fussy too. Sometimes I do wonder if they’re right. But I found love in an unconventional relationship and I’d like to see if I can nurture it in my own way. I say set your own terms. As you said, it’s better to be happy by yourself than in a relationship that gives you grief. The people who judge will always find reasons to judge.

    1. I was really intrigued by your ‘unconventional’ relationship and I’m wondering if in some way it speaks to me and my mindset. I suppose at this stage, I can understand you living your life and somebody once again being an additon into it which is why something unconventional makes sense to me. Although I wonder if you’d be willing to share a little bit more about it? I do definitely feel that same stigma, a brown divorced woman being considered less by brown men. This type of stigma doesn’t exist in other cultures in the way it does ours. Your ‘kiss of death’ comment made me feel really angry – angry that this is the way we treat divorced women with children that you would feel that phrase is apt. x

  3. In general Muslim men feel entitled to certain things. For examlle: after marriage I have to live with their parents, I’m the one who will cook and clean, I’m the one who takes care of the kids, im the kne to just roll over when asked If you know what I mean.. YA NO!! I dont live that type of life neither will I ever! These things or rather lack of my acceptance for these “entitlements” by these men is what caused me to be driven away and at some point I DID give in for 1 man only but Allah saved me from my bad judgement and showed me a better path and I thank God for that.
    I stopped listening to people long time ago. Honestly, nobody has your best interest in heart except ypu… you cant settle for the next one that comes along … know your worth if people think you are fussy then so be it…. its jo that you are hard to please…. YOU KMOW YOU CAN DO BETTER that’s alright!! People dont like it.. F em

    1. Haha, anon, I know! Entitlement is a great word to describe what probably has pushed me away from connecting with many Muslim men……I would love to hear about your experiences connecting with the person you did, if you’re willing to share? There is definitely something about knowing your worth which is deemed fussy. I can only assume it’s a projection of what others feel they would do in my situation however the reality is nobody knows what we are experiencing better than ourselves! xx

  4. I love this. I gave up on muslim men, having met my fair share of failed potentials. Dated a non Muslim guy for a bit but unfortunately there were too many differences… Mainly because i knew in the back of my mind that my parents would never accept it. I’ve now met the loveliest coconut asian guy and I’m finally content. But before meeting Mr Coconut and for a very long time, I hated and had given up on asian men. Suddenly being with a non Muslim didn’t phase me at all – something i never thought I’d ever consider. It was wrong but we all long for companionship and unfortunately sometimes it feels like our Glasgow Muslim fishing pond is tiny.

    1. Interesting, so Mr Coconut is from the same background and faith I assume? So what makes him different to the standard asian/muslim men out there? Is there a rejection of these so-called values? I’m glad you’re happy and that you were able to work all of it together; the balance of wanting to meet family acceptance and also somebody who is right for you xx

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