Year 3

This post was written three years on from my divorce – in 2015.  It’s interesting to look back on it and there’s probably a few points I should add.  I still hadn’t openly spoken about the abuse I had gone through therefore when I write about forgiveness, I am talking here about the other events which led to the break down of my marriage.  I also speak about feeling judged in this post and this was related to people’s baffled responses when they would hear about the infidelity and ask me if I really had no idea what had been going on.  This post in no way reflects a healed me although I definitely did believe I was.  This was infact the start of moving forward which inevitably led me to face upto the abuse, break apart everything in my life to create, what I believe, is a much healthier version of myself now. 

It occurred to me that I passed the three year mark.  I missed acknowledging the actual day as it never entered my mind.  A good sign, all in all.  What lessons have I taken from year three?

Bad guys do sometimes win.  As I have always said, there have never been any real repercussions for my ex.  He has married, will probably impregnate the new wife soon enough and is carrying on as though nothing happened.  C’est la vie!  I’ve lived in an idealistic world for too long and if I’m honest, despite this possibly still do.  But in life, it’s not so black and white – it’s full of those gray areas that I won’t ever understand.

Forgiveness heals.  In June of this year, I unwittingly forgave, I didn’t really mean for it to happen.  It seems like such a small thing to say and in all honesty, I wasn’t fully aware of what I was doing.  I just realised that I didn’t care for somebody to kneecap him, I wasn’t wishing a painful death on him….I just didn’t care either way about him.  But I hoped he treated his new wife better than what he did me.  That’s what forgiveness does, it makes you a better person.  It makes you less angry.  It makes you feel light.

Exude positivity and the Universe responds.  Only recently did I realise how negative I had been feeling.  The past six months or so have seen me exude positivity through feeling genuinely happier.  I attracted people.  People wanted to be around me, I had fun with them, made new friends and yes, I even attracted some lovely men.

People will judge.  I feel judged by family members, judged by family friends and generally judged by society.  The question is, do we allow their judgements to shape us?

Year three has been one of pondering, healing, forgiving and moving on.  Perhaps it takes others less time, others longer.  We move through this journey at our own pace.  In truth nobody can help us heal.  We rely on our own strength to break away from the past.


One Reply to “Year 3”

  1. I’m so glad I’ve come across your blog. Last year, I walked away from my marriage as I suffered emotional abuse and coercive control from my ex in-laws. My ex-husband had been in another relationship the whole time and I went through the same judgement, ‘How could I not know?’.

    I cannot explain to you how I’ve been searching the net looking for anyone with a similar experience. It’s not a normal thing for an Asian women to walk away and file for divorce and doing so takes great courage. I had two children (1 and 3 years) so making the decision was not an easy one. I’ve really stepped into my own power since making such a bold move. It didn’t feel bold at the time- I was suffering from deep trauma and still am working through it now but I look back and realise the inner strength it took to make the decision to walk away.

    Thank-You for your posts. its very reassuring to hear similar experiences. I look forward to reading what else you have to say.

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