Too Soon or Too Scared?

This piece was written in the midst of my divorce in June 2013.  Seven months separated at this time and being encouraged to meet men again.  Looking back, it wasn’t sensible as I was still very much hurting and trying to heal from events that had taken place.  I maintain that six months post breakup is when the real kicker of emotions take place.  From there, once you’ve hit your rock bottom, you can only go up but the most important focus should be on your own healing.

 

How soon is too soon?  A question which I have been mulling over lately.  The reason perhaps obvious.  Single men are being suggested now by friends and family.  So far, I have kept my distance.  It’s only been seven months since I separated with my husband.  My legal divorce is still to happen but because it’s underway and the Islamic one is done, the seeking on the part of those around me has begun.

 

Friends put forward a name to me.  Someone who had been expressing an interest as they put it.  He knew me and I knew him.  Someone who used to be friendly with my ex.  Unfortunately he reminds me too much of my ex for me to even want to consider it.  I said it was too soon.

 

Now another suggestion.  He’s texted me a little about himself after being given my number.  A Cambridge graduate, extremely intelligent if his work is anything to go by.  I delayed looking at his message – I felt scared.  Looking at it felt like an acknowledgment that I was ready to move forward.  Was I though?  One evening with a bottle of red by my side (schloer), I opened up the text.  By all accounts, a good catch on paper and seemed pleasant enough.  I had answered my own question though.  I didn’t feel ready.

 

Will I ever really feel ready?  The thought of entering into another relationship fills me with a high level of anxiety.  I can’t go through this hell again.  What if’s galore in my head.  Will I ever really feel secure with someone again?  I mean I was married for five years before my ex upped and left so there’s no way of really ever fully trusting someone is there?

 

I’m quite comfortable in the life of a singleton though, in fact, I’m rather enjoying it so far.  I don’t have much stress in my life now.  I don’t have anyone to take care of other than myself which is proving to be fairly easy.  I don’t have to be the laundry fairy anymore for dirty work shirts.  I haven’t even cooked a proper salaan (curry) since November – brilliant.  I’m enjoying life, socialising and travelling when I want.

 

My dad keeps saying to me I will find someone far better, having choice words about my ex.  Mum tells me that the worst thing I can do is to allow my ex to put me off relationships forever, letting him get on with life whilst I stagnate in mine.  I feel their quiet encouragement and I appreciate it.  They don’t mount pressure but I know they want the best for me.

Baby steps.  I decide on baby steps for now.

 

 

 

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