I groaned at the posts on the Facebook group, a group I’d unfollowed months ago but
noseyness curiosity had made me wonder if there was anything worthwhile being shared on it recently. I scrolled by the usual questions over black magic, mental health and the disturbing advice that often got dished out. I did stop however to read a rather long post which had been shared anonymously.
A woman, let’s call her Shama, was asking for other’s opinions as to how to get out of a bit of a rut. She was single, having been divorced and had tried different ways of meeting people – none of which had worked. Infact a couple had led to some really awful situations; a married bloke who claimed he was single, led on by a guy she really liked etc. She felt lonely, felt pathetic at wanting a bit of romance and was feeling pretty low. I’m hazarding a guess that if she felt she could speak freely then she might even say that she was craving intimacy, affection and love. Maybe that’s me reading between the lines or maybe that’s me making an assumption.
I nodded my head at Shama’s post, a brief acknowledgment at having understood her circumstances. If I was wearing a hat, I may even have tipped it. It led me to wonder though why Muslim women are afraid to voice their loneliness to friends, family or people close to them in the way that Shama had expressed she couldn’t.
Do we still believe love is something to be embarrassed about?
Does admitting to being lonely feel weak?
Shama’s circumstances aren’t ofcourse restricted to the world of Asian or Muslim women. I’m on twitter and people there don’t hold back. From my experience, every singleton on there, from those choosing to navigate around a religious ethos to those who have f*** buddies feels lonely and at one point or another wanted/wants to be in a relationship. So, to me, what Shama felt was more than normal; my twitter buddy “tinderalla looking for her tinder fella” would also agree.
I then made the mistake of clicking on the comments. Shama had clearly asked others how to get out of her rut. I can see how people misunderstood that though, I can see how that could be confused with:
THROW ME EVERY BIT OF UNSOLICITED ADVICE YOU’VE GOT
”unrealistic attitudes to marriage” (the girl wants flowers! Let her have flowers dammit!)
“It may never happen – and that’s your battle” (if there was a way to hit a girl when she’s already down, I think this was it)
“Have you tried x,y,z” (the girls been single for a while, she’s met some munters – options you probably don’t even know exist, I’m sure she’s tried)
“You don’t need to be married to be happy” (that’s very true but also very unhelpful to Shama right now)
So maybe this is my answer for Shama and any other Shamas out there:
I was there, where you are Shama and I remember it well. It feels pretty shit. It’s not pathetic to say you want flowers, chocolates and all the good stuff. Hell, I love valentines day, have never received a card to date but will still get excited about it every damn February. It sounds like you want affection and that’s………..dare I say it………normal! It would be just as normal to say you wanted a good kiss, sex or simply intimacy of any kind. You’re exploring every avenue so you’re doing all the things in your power to make it happen.
But you asked how to get out the rut. So, my answer from experience is to find your own happiness. Maybe it will take time to explore that and figure out what makes you happy. I would also say make your life in how you see your life being lived. That is in your control. I can hand on heart say when you start living the way that you want to, happiness does follow.
Guys and gals – here is my piece of unsolicited advice though. Don’t use Facebook groups that have a reputation for receiving awful advice as an outlet for your loneliness, marriage or relationship struggles. If you feel lonely, want to talk about it, want to connect or share then find my page on Facebook and feel free to talk there. I’ll have your back x