I’ve jumped forward a little and this post was written in October 2014. It was common for me in the first few years to end up on a bit of a downer in the leadup to November. So generally my posts from then don’t tend to be the most uplifting. But I think that’s quite important – to show the downs because it’s only really when you hit rock bottom that you can make your way back up again.
I feel pretty tired lately. This time of year isn’t get any easier. As I enter into year two of separation, I thought emotions around particular “anniversaries” would lessen but it doesn’t seem to get any better. I’ve learnt plenty along this journey and am still learning as I go along the way. Some things I picked up two years on:
1) Everybody else will forget but you won’t. Sometimes it seems strange to me that things carry on as normal and the way everybody including me adjusts back into life again. I have the odd twinges where I want to scream “Do you remember what I went through?”. My pain still exists, some days it’s less and some days it’s worse but people will forget as it’s not theirs. You more or less have to deal with it yourself.
2) People can be assh*les. Try not to depend on others. Plenty of friends tell you how they will always be there for you but when push comes to shove, they don’t really want to get too involved in the mess. Admittantly I have been pretty lucky with friends and those who didn’t want to know, we’ve now naturally left to go our separate ways.
3) Men think you’re desperate. I have been chased by married men asking if I want to be their second wife (bolk), propositioned with one night stands (no lie) and generally been met with plenty of unsavouries that I wouldn’t even send to my worse enemy. When you divorce, particular men will think you are game for anything.
4) I can take on the world. I really do think that I have been through one of the most difficult things people can go through. As a result, I feel pretty confident that whatever the world throws at me, I will be able to take.
5) I can’t be bothered with bullsh*t anymore. If I dislike someone then I won’t be around then and if I don’t want to take someone’s nonsense then I put them right. I don’t know if this is coming down to age or my experience but I just don’t have the need to waste time on being fake.
I feel this is a bit of a negative post or maybe it’s just a real one. You’ll probably notice that October, November and December posts don’t tend to have the most uplifting of words in them.