Once a Cheat…..?

Hearing about people cheat brings an emotionally charged response from me.  Expected, no doubt but I’ve also no doubt people underestimate how severe my reaction is towards those that do it.  These past six months saw my good friend dating a man who she wanted to talk to me about.

She was nervous about telling me.  “I’m seeing somebody…..and you’re not going to like it”, she said in one breath.  My smile faltered.  He was somebody high profile who, earlier this year, had cheated on his wife.  I suppressed, despite my inner self wanting to smack her, and listened.

He was remorseful.  She explained this wasn’t my ex who never provided closure, this man admitted it all.  Surely people deserve a second chance if they’ve realised the error of their ways, she asked.  She wanted my advice as she valued me.  She wanted me to be straight with her.  She wanted me to say it was okay.

It’s not okay though, not to me anyway – not if I was being authentic and saying what I felt.  In my head, all cheaters should be dumped in a pit and left to their own underground orgies.  To me, cheating is morally corrupt.  It’s not anything to do with faith but rather to do with upholding good moral character.  It surprised me slightly as to how much internal emotion this conversation caused.

I live in a dangerous world because I live in an idealistic world.  What’s good is good and what’s bad is bad.  However the world isn’t idealistic so it doesn’t suit someone like me.  There’s too many gray areas that I can’t grasp.  Good things don’t happen to good people and bad things don’t happen to bad people……..like they should.  Sometimes, I think the rewards of life seem a whole lot easier to those that, quite literally, screw people over.

I’ve tried to understand what upsets me most about it all.  Perhaps I’m shocked that someone so close to me, having seen the repercussions from an affair, would consider entering into a relationship with the very person that caused that type of pain.

Perhaps I once again feel deflated by something I have come to realise.  Those who cheat carry on with life as normal……..there are no real consequences.   But for those of us left in their path of destruction – it is us who continue to struggle with the consequences of their actions.


11 Replies to “Once a Cheat…..?”

  1. My question would be is moral character absolute and inviolable? Can human beings of good moral character have moments of moral weakness? If we applied the same approach to acts of other acts of immorality, then criminals would have no hope of rehabilitation but simply damnation and incarceration forever.And for me, the same processes and ideas apply to moral transgressions in relationships-
    does someone acknowledge what they did, without seeking justification, in true and plain terms?
    does someone recognise express deep and true remorse for the effects on others?
    does someone have the capacity to change? Are they willing to commit 100% to that process?

    For me these are questions worth asking before casting anyone into the endless pit of fire and adultery… I will admit though that I don’t have to deal with this through the cultural prism that many of you did, where a man can skip off to turn a new a page with barely a short glance in his rear view mirror.

    ” The world’s full of trouble, people are scared
    at times we’re all scrambling, like dogs for a share
    it’s true and it’s hard but it’s nothing compared
    to what we do to each other ”

    1. Ugh I hate when you’re so balanced. Just cast them into the same pit I am putting them in lol. Okay logically speaking, people can make mistakes. I get it. My mind gets it. But emotionally I just can’t get it. And I’ll be honest I don’t think it’s as such a cultural thing that gets to me ie over a man moving on quickly etc (although that’s a separate nuisance lol) but just a battle of emotion v logic after going through a betrayal.

      1. I’m about as balanced as a slinky tumbling down a close from the top floor mate!

        I get it too. I mean there’s knowing rationally what you need to do and then there’s fermenting cauldron of emotions that you need to stop from spilling all over that lovely clear knowledge.I say ‘you’ I mean– any thinking feeling human being who has been through this. And I have, and for a long time it was exactly the struggle you described between objective and subjective.5 year partner + best friend and they didn’t even have the balls to tell me, they let a mutual friend do their dirty work….everybody knew except me, it seems. I made 2 promises to myself:
        1. It wouldn’t change my view of close male-female friendships at all
        2. I wouldn’t let it influence my future relationships
        I made these 2 promises as a goal to focus my attention on to take my attention from my hurt but also because if I let them change me, then in my mind, they won some kind of battle.Having won the war, there was no way they were winning the battle too.
        When I mentioned culture I was just acknowledging the gender imbalances you had rightly mentioned previously, where it’s much easier in certain cultures for men to break up and start again with having to struggle against a serious of judgements and negative perceptions.I don’t know if men necessarily move on faster or just express(or fail to haha!) it in different ways.Plus getting over it and moving on quickly are not always the same thing.

  2. Once again you have bravely expressed the very real consequences and reality of infidelity. Sadly you are right bad things happen to good people, and it would appear that wrong doers navigate through life without consequence.
    Despite your own experiences you demonstrate courage by sharing your thoughts and offering a platform for others to debate and share. I believe that frank open expression and reflection helps us on a road to recovery and self healing. Ultimately we have no control over the choices of others, nor do ‘others’ actually care how their actions effect so called ‘loved ones/frirnds’ so rather focus on your own good self and what gives you peace, strength and happiness.

    Nothing can dim light which shines from within ~ Maya Angelou 💕

  3. Your words really resonate with me! Being the “victim” of an unfaithful husband has been the most difficult aspect of my separation for me to come to terms with. Having lived the aftermath of his actions has completely hardened me to people who cheat/ those who justify it. The only positive that has come out of being cheated on is the confirmation that moving forwards if I ever experience it again, I’ll end the relationship rather than clinging onto an illusion. (Sorry for the negativity!) X

    1. You don’t need to apologise at all for anything and I certainly don’t think that’s negative but real! I completely feel that part too where you said being cheated on hardened you to anyone trying to justify it or having done it. I am completely the same and have no time for people like that; those that make excuses for others nor those who make excuses for themselves xx

  4. Your last few words perfectly sum up my experience of being cheated on. Still left with the scars whilst ex hubby moves on, remarries n starts a family because he can, because it is THAT easy for him, because they have no scars, whilst i, 8 years on, still can’t entertain the idea of even looking for another partner . This is my reality, he did this to me. Yes, i’ll be the first to admit i am scarred for life, once bitten and all that. There were no repurcusions for him, no consequences to his immoral actions and thats pretty damn unfair!! Lol i sound so bitter , maybe i am deep down, all because of this one man unfortunately. Once agin u hit the nail on the head with ur blog! 👍🏼👍🏼

    1. I think once bitten etc can definitely impact deeply – the reason I managed to start meeting men again was probably because I took time out and chose to work on myself a lot in this time. However I definitely still have the repercussions from the affair with more than one man telling me that I’m guarded. That’s the after effect of being betrayed though isn’t it? To show vulnerability and know there’s a chance you could get hurt, takes a tremendous amount of effort. But the reality that I now understand is that I’ve been through worse hurt and if I open up and it doesn’t work out then I’ll dust myself up and get on with it again. It’s just a constant mantra however that I have to repeat to myself which gets a little weary. And it frustrates me that I have to keep reminding myself of these things. Xx

  5. What a tough situation. I guess it’s hard for anyone who hasn’t been through this to really grasp what you are feeling. They get the gist, but not the severity…

    1. It’s easy to say we all mistakes etc but I think when you’ve been on the receiving end of that particular mistake, blanket statements like that don’t really come as easily! xxx

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