Forgive and Forget

This post was written in 2015, as I approached the one year mark of my official divorce.  The problem is that once you deal with one issue concerning your breakup, it feel like another issue pops up.  For me, this post related to the hurt I felt at those around me.  Perhaps now I’m able to look back at it and realise that for some, my words may have touched a nerve and for others I’m aware that they just never really understood pain; it isn’t fixed quickly – it’s a process.  

The pain of events blur with time but memories still remain.  Ironically, it’s not any of the ex’s actions, words etc that I think about.  That for me is done now.  What remains is the words of those around me.

I learnt along my journey that people don’t know what to say.  They don’t know how to act.  They don’t understand other people’s pain.  I am acutely aware that people never meant to hurt me but in their own way were trying to “get me through it” or “make me feel better”.  I’m aware of it but I can’t help even now to feel a slight stab when I think back to some of the things said.

The first night back in my own home after confronting him was one of the worst nights of my life.  I lay in bed listening out for his car and I will admit, somewhere deep down wishing for it, hoping he would turn up with a thousand apologies.  At midnight, exhausted from crying, I messaged someone.  “I keep thinking I hear his car, it hurts too much, I loved him“.  The reply I got could well have been borne out of tiredness, wakening from sleep; I’ve never asked because I never wanted her to know how much it hurt me.  “It was never a real love anyway“.

A friend whose husband knew mine and whom I felt the need to question over everything became infuriated with my messages.  “It’s time for her to get over it”, she messaged.  I don’t harbour a grudge having cleared the air a long time ago but those words stay with me, words said a month after everything was discovered.

I still have friendships and relationships with people whom I felt hurt by.  I don’t confide in them however nor do I let them into my world, the world where the remains of pain still exist.  I exposed myself once to them and felt somewhat betrayed by their responses.  It’s unfair, on my part, I sometimes think to behave like that.  They don’t even realise what they probably did or how they made me feel.  It was perhaps a slip of the tongue, a wrongly worded message, a rushed call and in that moment a somewhat flippant comment was made

But that brief moment which meant nothing to them became for me a memory.

 

2 Replies to “Forgive and Forget”

  1. How insightful.
    When you are young and naive I reckon we say things we don’t think twice how it may affect another. The awkardness of trying to break silence with words, words that are pointless and absurd. Sometimes silence is better. Or just listening to somebody’s rant non judgementally. You learn this with age.

    I agree that sometimes you never forget what people say – even though you forgive them for it.

    When I miscarried, people said strange things that you most likely should NOT say and just keep quiet:
    ” Allah saved you, maybe the baby would have grown up to be a bad person”

    ” I think some kaala jadu done on you, heavy nazar on you with Hassad. You should find a peer baba”

    ” What stress have you got? People in Africa are living in poverty and war and have normal pregnancies and babies”

    ” I had a dream something bad was going to happen to you, I had a feeling”

    ” you need to look after yourself in pregnancy, you probably didn’t eat properly because of exams”

    ” why did u fall pregnant so quick.. you were just married for 5 months yet”

    Sigh. I still associate with these people, I ponder if they remember or reflect their words to me. It made me think how I would react to situations and what I would say to others in their difficult times – cancer, bereavement, divorce etc. Never the above.

    1. Thank you Sumi for your own very insightful and what felt like an honestly raw comment. I do often think myself that had I never experienced the things I did and the upset caused by others words then would I really have understood what not to do to others? I would’ve hoped so. Some things are said out of awkwardness, yes. Others unfortunately because we do live in a world where people have a lack of compassion for each other. It’s ok to be upset for a little while but after that it gets a little irritating for some. Unfortunately pain has no time limit or map for how it heals xx

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